Bonus: “The Clueless Pitch” – Preemptive Sketch

Stick Figure Night Live! is a series of stick figure comic “recreations” of episodes of Saturday Night Live. Just as the show itself is performed live, the comics are drawn “live” while watching the show (with the occasional assist from DVR or some digital clean-up post scanning).

Tomorrow night, Paul Rudd hosts Saturday Night Live for the second time. The first time he hosted I’d thought of a sketch idea that, considering no one can or chooses to read my mind, didn’t magically appear on the show. With his return in mind I thought I’d go one step further and actually write this sketch idea out and present it here for no other reason then if something like this does appear tomorrow night, I can pat myself on the back (unless it’s terrible, in which case I’ll disavow all knowledge of this ever happening, Mission: Impossible-style). So, without further ado, “The Clueless Pitch”:

INT. LORNE MICHAELS’ OFFICE – NIGHT

PAUL RUDD and DAVID WAIN knock on the open door to LORNE MICHAELS’ office. Lorne looks to them from one of the monitors in his office.

PAUL: Hey Lorne, got a second?

LORNE: Sure Paul, come in. Have a seat.

PAUL: Thanks.

Paul and David sit down.

LORNE: What can I do for you?

PAUL: David and I were talking…

DAVID (extending hand to shake Lorne’s): Hello. That’s me, I’m David Wain.

Lorne doesn’t acknowledge the hand or David.

PAUL:…we were talking about a movie idea we think could be really great, and we were thinking maybe you’d want to produce it.

LORNE: I’m listening.

PAUL: We want to re-make Clueless, you know, for a whole new generation.

LORNE: Hmm. Alright…remakes are always popular. So you’re going to play what, the father this time? Or would this be a fifteen years later sort of story?

PAUL: Oh, no no no no. The father?! That’s ridiculous. Look at this face.

DAVID: He has a very boyish face. Plus, Dan Hedaya’s already agreed to come on board.

PAUL: Right, Dan’s the father, for sure. And I’d be playing Josh.

LORNE: Josh?

Paul is about to speak when David steps in. Lorne doesn’t turn his head, but looks askance at David.

DAVID: If I may? In our vision for the film, Paul would reprise his original role, Josh, the handsome ex-step brother who’s visiting from college.

LORNE: Riiight…and Alicia–

Paul cuts Lorne off.

PAUL: No, see, that’s how this will be different! Besides Dan and I, it’ll be an all new cast…you know, younger. Alicia’s great and all, obviously, but…well…

DAVID: She can’t play high school, I mean, who are we kidding, right? Am I right? (looking around to no one) I mean…right?

PAUL: Exactly! We were thinking more along the lines of say, Miranda Cosgrove.

DAVID: Demi Lovato.

PAUL: Selena Gomez.

DAVID: Ali Lohan.

PAUL: Emma Roberts.

DAVID: Emma Watson.

PAUL: Wait, no…she might be a bit too old.

DAVID: Is she?

PAUL: I think she’s twenty.

DAVID (taking out smart phone): I’ll check her IMDB…

LORNE: So you, Paul, are in college, and…?

PAUL: Right, I’m visiting from college and I kind of fall into the middle of these teenage girls kind of figuring stuff out, you know, love and relationships and stuff.

On Lorne, unsure.

PAUL: And they come to me, you know, because I’m in college, and I teach them a thing or two. It’s like Clueless, right, but with a sprinkling of An Education. Classy.

DAVID: You’re right, twenty. So no Emma Watson.

LORNE: So who’s the star of this movie?

PAUL: I am.

LORNE: And what about Alicia’s character?

PAUL: That’s just the thing, in this version it’s more about me helping out these girls who are, wait for it…

DAVID: …CLUELESS! Get it? You see the twist?

Beat.

LORNE: And Amy’s going to direct this?

DAVID: No, no. I am.

Lorne finally looks at David.

 

LORNE: And you are…?

DAVID: David Wain. I directed Paul in–

Lorne cuts him off.

LORNE: Right. I’m gonna take a pass on this one.

PAUL: What? Really? (to David) We mentioned the teenaged girls, right? (to Lorne) Teenage Girls!

LORNE: I heard enough. Pass.

Lorne goes back to looking at the monitors in his office. Paul and David get up, dejected, and walk out of Lorne’s office, talking to each other.

PAUL: Should we stop referring to Clueless, that might be putting ideas in peoples’ heads.

DAVID: But it’s a proven brand; it’s the best way to get financing…

FADE TO BLACK.

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